By Elif Hajaluga, MS, CCC-SLP.
(Editor's note: Elif Hajaluga is a New Jersey feeding specialist trained in the SOS approach to feeding therapy, sensory-motor feeding techniques, and the AEIOU integrated approach to pediatric feeding.)
As a mom and a trained feeding therapist, I totally *get* how frustrating it can be when your child is a picky eater.
But please—try to resist the temptation to use any of the phrases below at mealtime when you’re trying to convince a problem eater to chow down.
When parents do use words like these on the regular, it actually makes my job as a feeding specialist that much harder!
Read on for positive phrases that parents can use instead.
Here Are 7 Phrases That I Wish Parents Would Stop Using At Mealtime
“Stop trying to be difficult.” A child who refuses broccoli is not trying to get under their parents’ skin. Instead, they’re probably having a sensory-motor reaction to the broccoli itself. Shaming a child for refusing to eat a food they don’t like rarely leads to a positive outcome.
“You have to take one bite or else.” Threatening children with punishment for not eating can perpetuate negativity around mealtime. The last thing we want to do for a picky eater is make mealtime even less fun. Plus, punishment can backfire. Children who don’t feel a sense of agency and control around mealtimes will find ways to take control elsewhere.
“If you eat your dinner, you can have ice cream for dessert.” Imagine for a moment that you are at a fancy restaurant and the waiter sets a plate in front of you that’s covered in mold, moss, rocks, and tree bark. Feeling hungry? That’s how a child with a sensory issue might feel—and that’s why it’s so hard for them to “clean their plates.”
Plus, telling a child that they will be rewarded for eating veggies with a trip to the ice cream parlor sends a message that eating veggies is a hardship that must be overcome. In fact, kids and adults can learn to enjoy eating vegetables—but sending a message that “junk food is more enjoyable than healthy food” makes it harder to convince kids to eat well.
“My kid hates my cooking.” It can be hard on parents when a child regularly refuses meals that are made with love. But parents, please, don’t take it personally. It’s not about your effort. It may just be a biological sensory processing issue happening in the brain.
“They’ll grow out of it.” It’s no secret that people’s tastes do change over time. But children who are suffering from true feeding and eating disorders may need a little extra support in their development. If you are worried about your child’s “picky eating,” see a professional who can offer an objective evaluation of feeding problems, as well as a treatment plan.
“You don’t know how good you have it.” We want our children to be truly grateful for the food on the table. But chances are, our children truly do not know how lucky they are if they are well-fed and nourished by their meals. That may not be something that they can understand, on a cognitive level. Shaming them for “ignorance”—especially if that lack of understanding is developmentally appropriate—can lead to long-term feelings of negativity surrounding meals.
“My kid takes vitamins, so they’ll be fine.” As a parent, you may be tempted to shrug your shoulders and turn a blind eye toward picky eating. The path of least resistance may involve swapping salad for surgery vitamin gummies. But vitamins are not food. And picky eating behaviors may not simply disappear without support. Speak to a feeding specialist or dietitian to be sure your picky eater is getting the right nutrients.
What Are The Best Positive Phrases To Use During Mealtime With A Picky Eater?
As a mom, I understand that it’s not always easy to project positivity when you want to pull your hair out and shout, “just eat the dang green beans already!”
Having some positive phrases lined up in your mental queue can make it easier to say the right thing at the right time to a “problem eater.”
Here are a few phrases I recommend parents and caregivers try to use at mealtimes:
It’s okay if you don’t like it; I’m just so proud of you for trying it!
It’s okay that you’re not eating; I’m really enjoying your company at the dinner table right now. Tell me about your day.
You don’t have to taste it if you don’t want to, but maybe we could smell it and touch it.
Let’s try this new bite together on three. Ready? One, two…
If you’re not hungry now, don’t worry about it. You can try eating this again later when you are hungry.
Could you help me make dinner tonight? What should we make? You’re such a good helper.
I love the way you share your thoughts with me. Tell me more! Do you want to hear my thoughts about this food?
An experienced feeding specialist will be able to help parents and caregivers fine-tune phrases and strategies to support a picky eater with love and good intentions.
How can you tell the difference between a picky eater and a problem eater?
Sometimes, the line between so-called picky eating and feeding/eating disorder is blurry.
When picky eating crosses the line into a disorder that can damage physical, emotional, or social health, feeding therapists call that avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID).
ARFID is an eating disorder characterized by a persistent refusal to eat certain foods or food groups, or a persistent failure to meet nutritional needs. It can lead to malnutrition, weight loss, and other health problems.
If you’re a parent or caregiver of a child whose eating habits are causing you to worry, the only way to truly diagnose a problem is to see a specialist.
But here are a few simple signs that a food refusal may point to ARFID.
Limited food repertoire: All children have taste preferences. They will refuse certain foods, savor others, and eat a variety of foods at meals. Children with more ARFID may have a very limited food repertoire, often refusing entire food groups or categories. A limited diet can cause nutrient deficiencies, weight loss, or failure to thrive.
Extreme anxiety or distress around food: When tantrums, tears, and disruptive behaviors happen at the dinner table, it may be fairly obvious that a child’s anxiety is directly connected to food. But when outbursts happen later on, hours after a meal, it may be more difficult to connect the dots.
Refusal to try new foods: Typical picky eaters may be hesitant to try new foods, but they will typically be willing to taste them or explore them with their other senses (like smell or touch). Children with severe food refusal might refuse to have anything to do with “yucky” food at all.
Unintentional weight loss or failure to thrive: Children who have been refusing food for a while may experience unintended weight loss or failure to thrive, caused by malnutrition.
Sensory issues: Everyone, adults included, has texture preferences. Children with a food refusal disorder may have an underlying sensory processing issue or oral-motor disorder. If a child has a known sensory processing disorder, the child may be inclined to overeat or not eat enough. Also, certain textures and tastes may be huge turnoffs, causing nutrient deficiencies.
What To Do If You Can’t Tell If Your Child’s Picky Eating Habits Are A Problem Or Not
If a child’s food refusal is making mealtimes miserable, you may want to contact a professional feeding specialist.
When in doubt, reach out.
Scheduling a feeding evaluation is a fairly painless act that can give parents lots of peace of mind. Start by calling a feeding therapist for a phone consultation to determine if the practice is a good fit for both parent and child. The cost of an evaluation can vary by practice, but feeding assessments are often covered by (or reimbursed by) insurance.
To learn more about scheduling a feeding evaluation with All 4 Therapy LLC, please visit our contact page.
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